We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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