Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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