Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
