Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
