I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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