hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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