My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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