So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Randomize
