someone get that fucking seahorse.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
