tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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