matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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