Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
