I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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