I want to walk on stilts...naked
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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