I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize