Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
