Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize