If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
