we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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