cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
