Umm I'm too high to move.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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