how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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