Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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