Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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