She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
