I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
