We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize