while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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