Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm too high and old for this...
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
