Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
