One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
