Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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