im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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