you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
