She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
