That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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