# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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