Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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