It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
