My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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