I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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