After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I think pants incapable of making pants work
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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