i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
