my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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