I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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