Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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