2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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