Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(319): View more from Iowa

In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.

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(636): View more from Missouri

she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina

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(828): View more from North Carolina

HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.

(336): View more from North Carolina

TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT

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(785): View more from Kansas

The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.

(1-785): View more from Kansas

i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man

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(415): View more from California

I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.

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(813): View more from Florida

Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.

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