It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
