So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
