finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
