The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
