Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
