come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
