she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
