you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
