3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
