actually, I'm a sock model
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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