Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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