sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize