Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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